your “skinny” clothes have got to go
Content warning: weight, body image, mental health
Are you ready for a shocking revelation? Women don’t wear everything in their closets. In fact, 85% of women say they only like 10% of the garments they own. It’s not hard to extrapolate that into a sad truth: women are chronically wearing clothes they don’t like. But what about the clothes we aren’t wearing at all?
Specifically, what about the clothes we can’t wear…the clothes that don’t fit? You know exactly the ones I’m talking about. I want you to think about your “skinny” clothes. Where are they? Are they hidden away in that scary place under your bed? Or are they on prominent display, under a metaphorical spotlight?
What are these pieces for you? How long have you had them?
For me, it was a pair of jeans from college, my engagement party dress, and a handful of expensive bras that were all much too small for my married-adult-and-then-mother-of-two body. I lugged these un-wearables with me on three cross-country moves: packing them, unpacking them, deciding where to store them, fretting over having to look at them again, just to obediently pack them up once-twice-three-times more.
Why do we do this? I’ve noticed two main reasons why the women I work with keep clothes that do not fit. The first reason I call The Motivation Fallacy and the second reason is called Scarcity Syndrome. Let’s talk about them.
The Motivation Fallacy: it’s a slippery slope. First, you don’t wear a pair of jeans for a season or two. You experience a little bit of life during that time, and when you face them again, you decide to do a “test” and try them on.
They do not fit.
Suddenly, you are less familiar with the woman in the mirror than you are with the girl who once easily zipped these jeans. Nostalgia sets in, you long for simpler times. Maybe you even feel like a failure. The life-long conditioning you’ve undergone feeds you the answer: that better, easier, prettier life you had will be yours again if you lose enough weight to fit into this pair of jeans. You will be good. You will have accomplished something. You will be acceptable once again.
So, you hang your “goal” jeans on the back of your bedroom door, re-start your MyFitnessPal account, and squeeze into them weekly to track your “progress” and determine whether you have done well, or if you have not. You keep them for “positive reinforcement”. But, more on that later.
Scarcity Syndrome: This one is a little more subtle. Let me describe a common situation I see during closet edit sessions with my clients.
Take Jen, for example. After working through her main closet with me, Jen brought out a large bin of clothes from her basement, labelled with painter’s tape and the words: “too small”. Inside were neatly folded jeans, t-shirts, multiple pairs of yoga pants, a black blazer, the pants that match it, a strapless dress, pajamas, bathing suits, and a pair of tall leather boots. She looks at me and says “Obviously, I need to keep these…just in case.”
I sit with her and peer into the bin. “Tell me more. In case of what?” I ask her. She replies, “In case something changes and I need them again. I spent good money on these, and I don’t want to have to buy all of this stuff again if I lose weight someday.”
This is a classic occurrence of Scarcity Syndrome. Jen was afraid to let go of things she couldn’t wear, because she feared the future. Being “prepared” for an unknown future self is the hallmark of a scarcity mindset: the belief that life is a finite pie, and once a piece is gone, there is less remaining. You believe you’ve taken your slice, and that’s all you get. So, you keep these items, secret and safe, like the One True Ring, even though you can’t wear them and it’s destroying you slowly.
Here’s the problem with Scarcity Syndrome: you are denying yourself options. It’s actually quite an ironic thing - by conscientiously filling that bin, by preserving the relics of a past life, you are thereby confined to an expired choice. The thing you set out to do, to guarantee yourself a contingency in an unknown future, is in fact, eliminating your options altogether, should that unknown future arrive.
Women are trained to do this from birth. “You get what you get, and you don’t get upset” was the battlecry of our mothers’ generation in an attempt to raise their girls to be grateful and accommodating. While I don’t claim to be a feminist scholar, it doesn’t take an advanced degree to identify the patriarchal and misogynistic influences at work in Scarcity Syndrome, particularly in women of a certain age (millennials and GenX-ers what-what?). Don’t waste money. Don’t be selfish. Make do.
My friends, dressing is NOT a zero-sum game. Money spent on learning, disliking, and moving on is money very well spent. Your past self was good, but she has expired now. What you are becoming is new and worthy of exploring in abundance.
Let’s connect the Motivation Fallacy and Scarcity Syndrome for a moment. Rather than stressing over money spent on your clothes, I want you to consider your time to be the non-renewable resource here. How much time are you willing to give away in pursuit of one lump of fabric (i.e. “goal” jeans)? How much time do you get in this life? How much time do you get to get dressed each day?
You will continue making money. You will never make time.
The act of circumventing an item of clothing that is not a wearable option, morning after morning, is a blow to your non-renewable resource right from the outset. Your day has started poorly. You have handed over precious seconds and energy that you’ll never get back. If you think I’m being dramatic, please hear me: these things matter. You matter. Your time matters to me.
Now consider your productivity. Your morning psyche is the foundation of your day’s accomplishments. The routines and rituals you engage in on a daily basis, before you even make it to your desk, determine at what level you will be performing that day. If you’ve begun your day receiving messages of “you can’t - you can’t - you can’t”, you are being robbed and so are those who rely on you.
“OK, Liz, I get it - it would be great to get rid of my skinny clothes, but I just CAN’T. How do I get myself there?”
The first step to beating the Motivation Fallacy and Scarcity Syndrome is to practice separating self from object.
Source: HarryPotterWiki
When Voldemort hid parts of his soul in the Horcruxes, he had solid intentions, right? He felt apprehensive about facing inevitable change (i.e. death), so he took extreme measures to protect himself. Instead, the method he chose made him weak and vulnerable. You are hiding parts of your soul in your skinny clothes. Yes, you are Voldemort in this scenario. No one likes to be Voldemort, but the good news is you are also Harry Potter.
Harry understood that he needed to get tough in order to have a chance at the life he wanted. There is a part of you that knows that your “goal” jeans are just a few wrinkly lengths of cotton and spandex, some polyester thread, a few grommets, and a zipper. Give them away. Stab them with a fang. Release that part of your soul to come back to you. It might just feel really magical.
Let’s get more practical. I suggest bagging up the items in question, and putting them in the trunk of your car. See what life might be like without them for a week. Then, stretch it to two weeks. If you make it 30 days without bringing them back inside, drive straight to Goodwill and donate them all.
Does that thought make you panic? Good. That means you’re onto something new and exciting. Release the guilt, friend. You are worth much more than any amount you may have spent on them. This is healthy and good!
There is, of course, an exception:
What about items that you can’t wear but are deeply sentimental? You should absolutely keep items that are truly sentimental (read: items that you have no intention of ever wearing again no matter what, but are too emotionally significant to donate, like your prom dress), but they don’t belong in your closet.
Fold them nicely, put them in a bin or waterproof box (wedding dresses should be professionally preserved). Store this box out of sight, and out of your dressing area, but where you can visit it whenever you want. They will be kept safe and you can save them for posterity. Why out of sight? To protect your morning focus and productivity.
Still struggling with The Motivation Fallacy or Scarcity Syndrome? Ask yourself two questions:
1. Is keeping this item FUN for me?
2. I’m great. Does keeping this make me greater? (Thanks, Ted Lasso!)
If the answer to either question is no, you must say goodbye.
What happens after giving away your skinny clothes? You will notice two things: you will have reclaimed precious time and space. Those dark corners, bins, and drawers are now available for new uses! That feels incredible!
You will also begin to shift into an abundance mindset. An abundance mindset is the understanding and expectation that there is plenty out there for you. Your options are completely open. You are the captain of your own ship. This is where freedom lives, and you can create a fearless plan for going after what you really want, when you want it. Hopefully, right now.
